Super Bowl...Blended Families Win !

SUPER BOWL RESULTS !

Blended Families Win !

As I write this Super Bowl XLII has just begun, the Giants - the underdog - are driving, and all over America many are cheering. I don't know who will win this game, but I do know that in most cases we are a nation that traditionally shouts out 'America loves the underdog!'

Sometimes in the dynamics of stepfamily life, an 'underdog' role is one that is worn by families, parents or children as often the 'arena of life' presents itself with bumps and challenges. This blog entry is about how to find the way to victory..... in the Super Bowl of life.

Speaking of Super Bowl participants, I want to share a fantastic book and it's relationship to step-family life. In this last year it has been my privilege and honor to get to know Coach Les Steckel, who is the President / CEO of FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes). In 2006 he authored his autobiography entitled 'ONE YARD SHORT, Turning Your Defeats into Victories'. It is a 'must read book' for blended family parents. The title is derived from the final play of the 2000 Super Bowl between the St. Louis Rams and Steckel’s Titans, a play that has been called the most exciting play in Super Bowl history. (I remember our family - half cheering the Rams, half cheering the Titans - as our blended family of eight watched that incredible sports moment.)

Steckel’s book chronicles his life journey and his compelling stories and testimony makes it tough to put down once you start. I am in the middle of reading the book currently. It is a 'MEGA-ENCOURAGEMENT BLESSING' book that offers us yet another testimony to trusting in God and His incredible Hand. Anyyone in a blended family, adult or teen should read this book. It isn't just a sports book, a guy book, it's a life book. Moms, Grandmas and Daughters will love it also.

HOW DOES "ONE YARD SHORT" RELATE TO BLENDED FAMILY LIFE? Often in the dynamics of stepfamily life one feels like you are often behind, things look tough, it is 'fourth down', that you want to 'punt' and hope seems lost. That's when we really do need to 'put on our headset and call upstairs to get the next play to call'. What I mean by that is to 'look to God for your next move, how to handle a child or marriage scenario'. He will answer. He may not always give us the 'play' we want to call, but the PLAYBOOK (BIBLE) we are called to draw from does not offer mistaken advice. Check out the playbook of life (the Bible).

Find a Bible that holds in the back a "Concordance" or 'topics list'. There you can find answers to blended family common questions in areas like... patience, perseverance, hope, forgiveness, self-discipline, encouragment and most of all the promise you can trust of 'peace that surpasses all understanding.'

YES YOU CAN be a Super Bowl Champion-like Blended Family if you let our Lord God Almighty lead you in calling the signals in your family. Check out your playbook (Bible) today.

For more information on Coach Les Steckel and FCA, go to:
http://www.fca.org/AboutFCA/SeniorLeadership.lsp

American Blended Family Association

American Blended Family Assn.
Blended Families...
Now Have A Voice
www.usabfa.com



We were honored and excited to have been asked to consult in the creation of, and subsequent invitation to become a Charter Member and Founding Partner, in the American Blended Family Association. Robert Sherwood, himself a long-time blended family Father, as well as a nationally recognized expert in many legal, corporate, internet and technology arenas is the CEO of ABFA (American Blended Family Association). ABFA will offer a united voice of support and strength for the 25+ million households where step-families / adoptions / foster homes... all forms of 'blended families'... can connect and be served as they work through unique and special dynamics. Close to 120 million Americans are directly affected by blended family life issues.

Discounts on products and services, political advocacy at state and federal levels, and family resources for improving blended family life are all part of the value of membership in ABFA. Giving up just one cup of coffee a month will allow you to join and be a part of something bigger than oneself, and make a difference for blended families across America.
ABFA exists to UNITE, ADVOCATE and SERVE.
For more information go to: http://www.usabfa.org/

Blended Families and Sunflowers?

Blended Families and Sunflowers...
Should Have One Thing In Common...

They Look Up...to the Sun (Son)

As Rebecca and I work with blended families / step-families throughout the nation we offer a clear message that trusting and 'looking upward to God for success' has been for us, and can be for most, a key to blended family success. I found an interesting 'looking up' analogy for blended families, that also would be a great 'day trip' for families within a 100 miles of Kansas City. A visit to the World's Largest Sunflower Collection in Lenexa, KS. (which by the way has terrific parks, hotels, restaurants, etc)

Bill Nicks, an Advisory Boardmember of The Bonded Family ministry happens to be the curator of the World's Largest Sunflower Collection, which is an incredible mix of over 3400 items that use the sunflower as a design element. The state motto of Kansas is "Ad Astra Per Aspera". That motto translates from the Latin to: "To The Stars Through Difficulties." (some excerpts from Bill Nicks blog) When the Kansas State motto is joined with the Kansas State Flower, the two speak volumes about the type of people who settled Kansas."To The Stars Through Difficulties" seems to describe the Sunflower's, and Kansans', lot in life. The Sunflower keeps her eye on the Sun (A Star), all the while her roots are dealing with difficulties. And Kansas has her share of difficulties, such as: drought, strong winds, floods, poor soils, tornadoes, snow drifts and temperature extremes. (I wrote on these 'climate' trails in a previous blog about TREE RINGS)

Just as it took hardy people to populate Kansas long ago, the message from the state motto / state flower to "LOOK UP" and 'follow the Sun' jumps out. Blended Families should 'look up' and 'follow the Son'...in this case the Son of God. If we all - parents, children, former spouses, in-laws, grandparents, etc - would all keep looking up and just like the Sunflower does look up and follow the brightest light that gives light, in our thoughts the Son of God Almighty, perhaps our step-family success might represent the hardy nature of Kansans long ago.

Bill Nicks has a special blog with great stories: http://wlsfc.blogspot.com/

So if you find yourself reading this and a Blended Family parent, become like that field of Sunflowers, LOOK UP and FOLLOW THE SON and you can rise up with your family in success.

NO CAMPAIGN ZONE in Blended Families

'VOTE FOR THE FAMILY'

ENCOURAGE A CAMPAIGN FREE ZONE
IN YOUR BLENDED FAMILY

In recent weeks we have been flooded by the messaging of the candidates for President. As one who spent 10 years in elective office, I appreciate candidates who set forth ideas, vision and hope. I like the candidates who truly share their positive reasons to choose them as the person to trust and lead us into the days ahead. A LEADER is what our nation needs, not a politician. Too often we see it common place for negative advertising to work in political campaigns. We have become a nation of 'you can win if you paint the other side bad'.

This is neither good for a nation...or families. With over 110 million 'constituents' in blended families across America...BLENDED FAMILY LEADERS must arise. It begins in your home. You are the LEADER as a parent. We are called to lead our families...positively.

Often in step-families it will appear like a 'campaign' is underway. Sometimes adult parents who share "Joint Custody" tend to move into 'campaign mode', using tactics that are undermining the other parent and are clearly not positive for a child's development. Such tactics teaches manipulation, which raises up a generation of children of divorce that cope using methods that damage people. Often a parent struggling with a step-child, or a parent favoring their own child will 'campaign' in their marriage. We also see children, perhaps struggling to find their identity, create images that aren't really the truth about a parent or step-parent. If you are experiencing this and feel like a 'campaign' is taking place, know that this is common. If we could look into a 'demographic map of blended families' across the USA, 'campaigns' are perhaps taking place in about 4-5 million other households. While that doesn't make us feel better, knowing you're not alone might help bring a sense of balance to what seems shaky.

A lot of the blended family 'campaign' issues (grabbing attention like a FOX NEWS TV ALERT) causing step-families to struggle are often due more to hurts and gaps within the human heart, than long term damage to an adult or child. Children sometimes act out or feel emotionally compelled to state they like one home over the other because of a 'campaign'. It is 'vote for one parents way or feel the consequences'. Adult parents unknowingly don't realize that children simply want to love and be loved by both homes.

We see too many situations where, to please parents in divorce, children will speak the indoctrinated message they know a parent wants to hear. If a parent seeks to hear the bad of the 'other home' they are not providing good leadership for their children. It is saying 'I win the election because the other guy is bad'. As parents, we must LEAD positively and stop this pattern which is rampant in America. With the same fervor we would not let a child emotionally or physically attack a younger sibling, or perhaps even a puppy or kitten, we must let them see we stand for positive and cooperative relationships within the confines of extended family situations.(this of course is barring any true abuse or danger) Often, some parents can't stop the need to punish the other side because of emotional baggage they are carrying.

The Bible gives us encouragement and wisdom that can conquer all these strongholds:

Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:32

We founded The Bonded Family, our ministry to blended families, because we have ourselves lived through some campaigns, and know them to be part of the trials of step-family life. http://www.thebondedfamily.com/

You can get through a 'campaign' if you look upward for strength. There is only one vote that counts, it is the Lord God Almighty. In many circles we hear, 'sure, sure, easy for you to say'. Secular psychologists get mad at us...but statistics prove the fact of the matter. Those marriages who place God as their foundation, who pray daily, hold a less than 10% divorce rate. The 'world's' divorce rate for re-marriages stands at 70%+. If you are here...reading this...seeking help...wanting hope and encouragement...which stat do you want to be a part of. God is often set aside in blended family scenarios, yet He is only one truly able to be the clear cut 'breakthrough' in any quagmire of circumstances.

Ask yourself the question? Have you ever campaigned to make 'the other house' look bad? Or a step-child? Have you looked inside your heart, or into the heart of the child, or the other parent, to see what really is the root of a 'campaign'? Have you offered forgiveness where forgiveness is needed? Have you offered kindness when that may seem hard? Have you placed yourself in the other persons shoes and wondered 'how would I like to be treated'?

We coach families of the value of holding regular 'Family Council Meeting'. These offer a calm and regular arena to not only bond as a family, but to discuss challenges facing the family. Start meetings with a short game or contest or something fun. It gets the classic 'oh no a family meeting' feelings lessened. In this case of 'campaigning', set forth the clear rule that we do not lie about others, or campaign against a person or a household. Remember to let the children share their hearts, but that the Parents are the "Mayor", hold the gavel, and have the authority. Parents must lead and not let a child grow up in a world where at a young age they believe they are in control of the house.

In this area we recommend a tremendous book by ED YOUNG, JR. called KID CEO. "How to Keep Your Children from Running Your Life". Children should know and feel in the situation of step-family life they matter, they are special and their input counts...but the Parents make the rules and have the final say. By that, you teach them respect, honor, humility, acceptance, loyalty and many other qualities lacking in today's world.

The Golden Rule is timeless in it's eternal messaging. We should live it, and model it, as parents. Then, watch as one day our children grow up to rise above the 'politics' of the world's ways, and become LEADERS in our land.

Blended Family Tree

See Your Blended Family Tree Grow

by Dan Snell, Co-Founder of The Bonded Family Ministry

After a recent snow and ice storm, I helped my Father-in-law cut down and haul away a very large branch of a giant tree that he had planted long, long ago. It was a towering willow tree planted along a small lake. It had stood the test of time over 37 years. Now one of the willows large cut up branch lay ready to become firewood for our families. As I looked at the ‘tree rings’ depicting the chronology of that tree and the large branch, a smile came over me in a big way … there is a message for Blended Families in this tree.

Each year that a tree is alive it grows another ring, making its trunk wider. The thickness of each ring depends on what the weather, the climate, lightning strikes, fire damage or the storms were like during the year in which it grew that ring. A wide ring indicates faster growth (good conditions), whereas a narrow ring or scar of some sort indicates poor growth (bad conditions). When a tree is cut, the rings can be "read" like a diary of the ‘history of life’ of that tree. Families also can have ‘tree ring’ story in their chronology diary... and by God's hand we can have good growth.

In Blended Families we too have seasons of life or our own family ‘tree rings’. Often in blended families, despite being ‘branded’ broken, there is much joy, happiness and many good seasons, and yes occasionally some will probably be not so good. That is normal. Like all of life, God gives us seasons we go through in order to see His hand in our life. He wants us to know that placing our trust in HIM offers strength through all the seasons. So that our ‘tree rings’ will show genuine growth.

We encourage you to take this to heart in your step-family. Often times in divorce, remarriage and new blended family / step-family life the ‘storms’ seem to be just a little stronger, the ‘heat’ feels a little hotter, and the ‘winds’ seem to blow more powerfully against us, testing the strength of our tree. Parental interaction, children’s behavior and emotions, financial challenges, and cooperation with former spouses can all offer ‘climate’ that sometimes seems to try to knock down or knock out a family.

We encourage blended families / step-families who we coach through difficult situations to look first for patience, perseverance and victory through trusting God. We respect the secular viewpoints that offer insight into the dynamics of step-family life, yet as we have invested years of research, reading, interviews with families, and conversations with family therapists and professionals, we continue to find the real power is in God’s Hands. The foundation of your blended family, your ‘tree ring’ and family chronology success in this sense must be fully planted in the Word of God. The greatest growth of your tree ring can be found through planting, and your family by the streams of living water.

In Psalms 1: 1-3, we are offered perfect wisdom to follow;

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.

So that your ‘blended family chronology’ will prosper, through the “storms” and “climate” challenges, you and your spouse must plant yourself as the parents ‘by the streams of living water’ and draw a line in the sand for your family by fully trust God. He is the root and the trunk, you are the branch. Then you may ‘see things with new eyes’ and ‘hear things with new ears’.We encourage blended families to look for God in all things, good and some seemingly bad, and keep your ‘roots’ firmly planted in prayer and in God’s Word daily. You can be ‘like the tree…which yields fruit in season, whose leaf does not wither. Do not walk in the counsel of negative people, or those who mock biblical wisdom. Stand strong, you will get through it. If you trust God, your tree will stand and reach up to the sky and one day you will see its fruit.

Our family tree, and our own blended family chronology, has had some thick rings with great years of growth, and some rings where you can sense the storms came. In all times, we kept the ‘roots’ planted in God’s Hands, even when the world might say we should crash. We have seen God’s goodness and His glory, and He has firmly planted in our hearts to pass along the encouragement, hope and motivation for you and your blended family.

"It's Okay To Love Both Families !"

We hear often from blended families that we have work with the following challenge during the holidays..."the kids say that Dad's House (or Mom's House) had the best Christmas!" That naturally stings. Sometimes kids don't fully understand the power of the spoken word...sometimes they do. We encourage Blended Family parents to 'be still and know that God is God' and let Him handle it His way.

Perhaps one family's Christmas did shine brighter above the other for some reason. Yet we can find a key 'teachable moment' point we as parents often miss. The 'had the best Christmas' syndrome usually has underpinnings and the comments birthed from one parents need to 'compete'. The unfortunate goal is to make their house better by trying to 'outdo' the other parent, step-parent or residence. It is an insecure parent does this in their need to make themselves 'better'.

It is important to remember, most of the time, the children are innocent in this scenario.
They want to be loved by all, yet often can be without knowing, 'steered' by a manipulative parent. Rise above this situation as best you can. Yes, that is easier to say than do often times...but greater payoff in the end.

As Co-Parents we are called to support one other and to encourage positive relationships and the need to have parenting time at both homes and with both family situations.

Send forth the message that children truly want to hear from you...

"It's okay to love both families."

That's the ONLY MESSAGE OF CO-PARENTING that a parent should work to instill into the heart, mind and soul of thier child. To do anything less is to not truly 'win' the heart of the child, but moreso it displays a 'loser' mentality of the parent promoting superiority of one home over the other. Strong words perhaps...but accurate because of the long term damage that a parent coaching negativity can create.

Be the Leader. Let the children love the families God has placed them into freely.

Write us with your stories if this touched a memory.

A God of Second Chances...Loves YOU!

Blogging on Divorce and Blended Families

God hates divorce...but He doesn't hate you...even if you have walked through a divorce.

God is a God of second chances...if we sincerely ask Him for that. This is clear to us in the clear message to us in the Word of God - the Bible.

We believe WHY God hates divorce is because He knows all things. He knows the long term impacts and outcomes. God knows the 'ripple effect' that divorce will have on the lives - men and women and children and grandchildren - of those who've gone through it.

He knows the effect on the family, the children and the legacy of divorce. Blended Families (step-families) are one of the most dynamic relationship arenas in our world today. There are many people and families seeking encouragement, hope and insight.

We hope these weekly thoughts will be a blessing to blended families all across America. Those of us who have walked through divorce, many now in blended familes are not alone... there are close to 24 million blended families in our nation today.

Estimates say 2000 new blended families / remarriages take place each day in America. Close to 125 million citizens are directly touched by divorce and the remarriages that creates blended families.Lets all stay like that tree in PSALM ONE...

"He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers ....for the LORD watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish."

Get yourself firmly planted, bear good fruit, don't wither .......... let HIM watch over YOU.

See Them As Christ Sees Them

"See Them As Christ Sees Them"

Each `human heart` (person) in a blended family will have, from time to time, a person in their new family with whom they will be upset, hurt by, even angry for some reason, whether justified or often not.It is often common when a child in new blended family thinks of a non-biological parent (step-parent) as `hating them`, or `being unfair` or even using those famous words 'you`re not my Mom/Dad!'.

It also could be a situation where one `ex` works to undermine a relationship with a bio child, or `reaches into` the new blended families home with comments about the home, the new marriage, or most serious of all, manipulating the minds of a child about your new spouse or family situation.

Could also be a `child` lashing out in a disrespectful moment, an `ex` trying to steal a special time with a child, or the new spouse rising up in anger in front of the children... are all moments where trouble may brew situations arise are all sadly common and damage the new family.

Clearly we all experience these in blended families. Commonly our human weakness is to blame, point the finger at someone, speak ill of them, throw up our hands and say `I quit`, or even saying things that can`t be taken back...all common or natural human reactions.

If this is you as an adult or child...don`t beat yourself up... you have about 120 million fellow Americans in the same situation and slipping up the same as you. :-) A Pastor / Author / Conference Speaker close friend and colleague, Dr. Dan Erickson http://www.greateryes.com
once shared with us one of the most powerful comments as to these situations.

"See them as Christ would see them."

Powerful words. Think on this. If we could view the situation, or the `human heart`, as Christ does as He looks down upon us from Heaven...might we pause...feel sorry and hurt for the person acting out or spewing hurtful words?

Might our new 'Christ-like' perspective cause us to act, speak and behave differently? If we could see these situations as God does, those hurtful words, comments or actions might be viewed as stemming from some wound deep in the heart.

Pray and ask God to give us 'new eyes that see' and `new ears that hear` the real situation inside the heart of the other...and not just their outward behavior. Blended families face challenges often because of mis-interpretation of a look or a word.

God knows the truth. We believe families can grow to be `bonded` if they `look up` and `trust` in a God who can handle all situations, overcome common barriers, climb most of the mountains and slay all the giants.

It is not easy always, but only through God can a step-family go from `broken to blended to Bonded`.

At The Bonded Family http://www.thebondedfamily.com/ we work with individuals and families and see hundreds of situations like this every year.

We always stop, pray, ponder and ask God to let us 'see with new eyes' to help the family work through the dynamic relationship world of blended families.